Becoming Who You Are
"The most common form of despair is not being who you are."
- Soren Kierkegaard
Life calls us on a specific adventure, and our only real responsibility is to answer that call. What we long for gives us clues about who we are. We're so focused on what we ought to do; for example, the work we do, we don't know who we are. Maybe a better question to ask would be, "What are your interests?" Not, "What do you do?" Most people talk about their line of work when asked what they do. So, our identity is wrapped up in our work, and every time we are asked that question and respond in that way, we reinforce our imprisonment to our job titles and functions at work. The individuality and creativity of a person gradually slip away the more they give their job the center stage. You meet up with your family, "Oh, how's work?" "How are the kids?" "How's the wife?" "Did you catch the game the other night?" We're always asking rudimentary questions that only scratch the surface of our lives.
If we're to realize our true nature, the questions must reach the soul. Asking what you like to do or what you are most interested in would be a far better way to learn about who someone is, get them to learn about themselves, and start seeking what they genuinely enjoy about life. Most people won't admit this upfront, but I'm willing to bet that most people are unsatisfied with their lives. Unfortunately, many of us hate waking up in the morning to go to our soul-crushing jobs; we wish we looked sexier, thinner, fitter, had a hotter husband or wife, and had a bigger house than our friends. A lot of this blame could be put on modern society's values of wealth and success.
Everything you watch on TV is so vain, and it's about keeping your appearance with the latest skin creams and Botox to fix wrinkles. How we're obsessed with material wealth, we neglect our inner, imaginal world entirely because we have this ignorant belief that the imaginal and world of fantasy and dream is for silly children, and we are adults, so we better behave like adults and be serious. Because life should be serious, we have important work to do. We have to save the planet, for God's sake. It's like Alan Watts said: we try so hard to save ourselves and the world that we do more damage to it; it may be better to realize we can't do anything to stop our own destruction. That is a warning to man to stop dominating nature and let nature guide us and lead the way to health because it knows. Man is ignorant without nature, dreams, and myths.
Our value of fame and looks dramatically contributes to our self-hatred, anger, and greed. When we see an attractive celebrity on television, we think God, I wish I had that person's money. I wish I had that guy's hair. So we chase an ideal given to us by a society that doesn't care about your happiness but wants you to be another cog in the machine to generate money for the rich man's pocket.
The saddest thing in this life is not being who you are. Because you are a one of a kind. A literal one-of-a-kind. The odds of you being born are 1 in 4 trillion. And yet, most of us spend this precious gift of a rare existence wishing we were someone else. That is so tragic. It's time we wake up and recognize our importance in this world. You aren't who you thought you were. Maybe you've been questioning that for a while; maybe it's a new revelation you've stumbled upon. Whatever it is, we all wake up sooner or later. Life needs you to be who you are; otherwise, you wouldn't be here as the person you are, with all of your thoughts, desires, and passions. And you can't be who you are if you are worried about offending somebody. No matter what you do, you will offend people. But the worst person to offend is yourself. Your character needs to be developed, and your destiny follows in the development of your character. So look inside yourself, not out in the world for who you are here to be. "He who looks outside dreams, he who looks inside awakes." - Carl Jung
We can get so caught up in wanting life to look a certain way. We set big goals for ourselves every year; we say it's not happening as it should. Why does life always disappoint me? When will I be happy? We delay our happiness by comparing and judging our lives with others rather than looking at all we have and building a life with what is available. Social media has not done us any favors in this regard. We're constantly reminded of how poor we are when Jen posts another vacation photo in the Bahamas. Maybe you aren't depressed because your life is poor. Maybe your soul is done playing the game that you, as an ego, have been forcing upon it. So, it forces you to suffer so that you begin to pay attention to what it's telling you.
Through the years, I've come to understand that this life is much bigger than any one of us. We see people having what appears to be such a great time, and we think we're the only one that suffers. Believe me, everyone is fighting battles you know nothing about. Your job is to take the suffering that life has given you and make art with it. Find out what it's all about for you because nobody can tell you the meaning of your life. We must understand that nobody will satisfy our needs or our hunger for life. Because what you see out there in other people is awakening what's inside of you. You try to live someone else's ideal, and it backfires on you because your soul is nudging you one way and telling you to ditch the ideals of others, but you want to be like what you see in the world. And it will never happen. Because you can only be who you are.
People go their whole lives trying to be something they're not, and those people die with regret because they never became who they actually were here to be. We avoid being what we are because it requires time alone, peering into the depths of one's soul, failure, ridicule, and embarrassment, to name a few. Your soul chose this specific life for you, and it's terrifying because you don't know where it will take you. But if you go towards it, doors will begin opening, and you will come to know yourself, which is better than any material riches you could attain. Either way you go, there will be suffering, but it's better to suffer for something that gives you meaning than go your whole life feeling unfulfilled and like you've wasted your time.
Your soul incarnated as you, in this particular family, with these specific neuroses and character traits. It is not an error. The universe does not make errors. The error is the ego thinking it ought to be different. We suffer because we say I shouldn't be here, I should be someplace else living my dreams. And we sit there and sulk and wait for something to change. What if wherever you are right now is the exact place your soul needs you to be? We don't have enough information to judge our predicament as good or bad. We suffer because we have fixed ideas of what it should look like.
We've been fooled into believing there is not enough for everyone. So we have one life and need to get it all right now because we can't take it with us. But have we ever stopped to think that what we do with this life carries over to the next? We seek instant gratification and pleasure. Consuming all we can, buying more shoes than we can wear, buying more food than we can eat. Haven't enough years gone by, we start to pick up on the game?
We're all one. When one of us suffers, we all suffer. It is imperative you become who you are here to be so you can be the best you can for the world. If we want real happiness, we must transcend the I, me, and mine. The real joy in life comes when you understand you play a role in a grand, mysterious unfolding of something way more significant than you could ever really begin to know. And what if you put your ego aside, accepted your current predicament, and stopped waging war on yourself? What if where your soul is telling you to look led you to a place far greater than your ego's desires ever could have? Only one way to find out.
We waste all of our energy trying to escape our predicament. We say I don't want to be here. Life is not fair. Why me? I empathize because I know the feeling very well. I struggle to trust the timing of my life. I wrestle with the darkness in my life and have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of it. I often feel I'm not doing enough and should be doing more. Or I see what I am trying to do with my life as a waste of time. But it's a noble struggle and one I'd rather spend my time working at than give up and live with regret about what could have been. I compare myself to people who seem to be further along on the journey, but in truth, they are just on a separate path. No one path is better or worse it just is. And it's really beautiful because it's yours and yours alone.
Think about it; You have to spend the rest of your life inside this body, with all its nuances, complexes, thoughts, desires, and dreams. Don't you think it's best to become friends with that person you are and get to know him/her while you're still breathing? It might be risky and not make sense to anyone, and because people don't get it, you will doubt yourself, but stay with it, and you'll be glad you did it your way. Despair waits for anyone who walks the road someone mapped out for them. A true hero's journey is mapped by the hero along the way.
Nobody knows your soul and what it came here to become. Only you do. And nobody can take that away from you. So, get to know yourself the best you can. And you may surprise yourself. You may even fall in love with this life of yours. And if you can love yourself, you'll be in love with everyone you meet because you realize everyone is you, just in a different body. Just figuring out their role in this vast universe.
As long as you look outside yourself, years will continue to pass, and everything will remain the same. You'll grow bitter and resentful and blame others for the way your life turned out. Worst of all, you will long for a life unlived. Because the life you long for isn't found in someone else's life. James Hillman said the solution to the longing for union is the union with the longing. In other words, we long to unionize our spirit with the world and recognize the oneness with all creation. But the solution to that is to become one with your longing. Find out what you long for, stay in the heartache, and you'll find out who you are sooner or later.